i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
