Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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