Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
