I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
