I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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