Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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