forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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