12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
