You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
