I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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