I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
