Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
