so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
