Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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