We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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