I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
