I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
