their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
