Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
