Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
