You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
