I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
