It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
