he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My breasts were aching with rage.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
