On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
