I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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