I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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