I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
