I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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