"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
