Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
