Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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