That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
