Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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