You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
