so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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