Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
