if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
