I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
