Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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