Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
