if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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