the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
