I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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