My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
