omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
