Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
