I could have mohawked her pubes.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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