I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
