Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
